Humor – A Letter to the Tomato

A dear friend of mine recently learned how to can salsa. In her adventures she developed a love/hate relationship with the tomato. Although I wanted to keep this all to myself, I felt it was just too good not to share. Enjoy the humor and pardon the expletives.

Canned Salsa

Canned Salsa

Dearest Tomato,

Thank you ever so much for all the time we have spent together. I’ve learned a lot about you over the last week. I have come to the conclusion that if a fruit must have a sex, you are female and I know this to be true. Please see below.

As a plant you flourish, but you must be tended to…… most women like attention and conversation. You must be watered well….. we can pretend its vodka for now. You must have just the exact amount of sun or you just don’t look good….. every girl needs a tan and well, it just looks good on the body. Sometimes your fruit is small and sometimes large…… women come in all shapes and sizes (curvy is best, we can say plump for now).

Now as a fruit…

If you are mishandled, you bruise very easily (I get it, you don’t like to be touched). You are moody and can bust all to hell without any warning. Typically the symbolic color associated with females is pink, red just tells us all you mean business. If you get too hot you will shrivel up and get sour….. no lady likes to sweat. You look best firm and not mushy……we all like a nice muscular tone.
So now that we have established that you are female, let me say this. You are a bitch. Yeah, a real bitch. I’ve been as nice as pie and all I’m catching is shit from you. I’ve just about burnt every fingerprint off my left hand. I can’t play with knives anymore because I’ve gotten about 20 cuts all over my hands. Its going to be weeks before I can use alcohol-based hand sanitizer again. Half of all y’all were bruised all to hell by the time I got home with your asses. Paid good money for you and didn’t get any! Took you on a nice road trip and you didn’t even put out. I laid you down on a nice sheet and you just stunk up the whole room. That’s just plain hygiene. Gross.

Anyway, I’ve gotten what I needed and learned a lot. I’m not scared of you, I just know what to expect now. For all its worth, I say thanks for showing your true colors. From one bitch to another – until next time.

Yours truly,
Delta Girl

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